Top 10 Secrets For a Lasting Relationship

[00:00:00] Camille: Y'all, this episode was so fun to create. My husband and I got together and we came up with 10 of our best kept secrets that have kept us together for 23 years. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

[00:00:12] Camille: Hey, welcome back to the podcast. We have a super special podcast for you today. I have my beloved husband with us today we are going to talk about the top 10 things that have kept our relationship going for the past 20 what years? 23 years. 

[00:00:51] Mark: 23 years. Yeah. That's how long we'll get to one of those, uh, talking points soon. 

[00:00:56] Camille: So here we are with you today, I initially asked my husband to come up with 23 different ways that we could share with you guys that has made our relationship work over the past 23 years. And he was extremely reluctant to say the least. 

[00:01:10] Camille: Let's see how many we can come up with today.

[00:01:12] Camille: Hey, Mark, welcome to the podcast. 

[00:01:14] Mark: Hello! Thank you for having me on your podcast. 

[00:01:17] Camille: So let's start with this question. 

[00:01:19] Mark: Okay.

[00:01:19] Camille: How did we meet? 

[00:01:21] Mark: How did we meet? Oh, it's actually a really great story, and it's one that we tell quite frequently to people. We met at a party, at a UT party. And it was a long time ago.

[00:01:36] Mark: So it was about 30 years ago that we met. 

[00:01:39] Camille: Oh my gosh. 

[00:01:40] Mark: I know. And we met at a party and we just randomly started talking to each other. 

[00:01:46] Camille: Well, actually, I went up to him and asked him if he had a lighter. This is back in like what the 90s when people actually still like smoked or some people smoked in college. 

[00:01:57] Mark: Well, and let's keep in mind.

[00:01:58] Mark: We were young and we were college kids too, and we were totally crazy at the time. 

[00:02:03] Camille: I was 18 years old and I was actually dating one of the divers at the UT, stands for University of Texas. And we were at a swimmers and divers party. So I went up.

[00:02:13] Mark: She asked me who I was. And so one of the first things she says to me is like, well, who are you?

[00:02:20] Mark: And, uh, I was like, I'm nobody. 

[00:02:22] Camille: I was like, are you a swimmer? Are you a diver? And he goes, I'm a nobody. And I was like, I'm a nobody too. Cause I wasn't a UT swimmer or diver either. 

[00:02:31] Mark: So we were a couple of nobodies at the party. 

[00:02:34] Camille: So, I gave him my real phone number, and then he and I discussed that he would call me and then say something, like this little cute line, and then I'd hang up the phone.

[00:02:43] Camille: We can't remember what that cute line was, but he called me the next day, and I hung up the phone after he said the cute line, and then I was so nervous that he wouldn't call me back, which he did. We didn't date for very long when we first got together, but years later we found each other again, and that's a story for another time.

[00:03:02] Mark: Yeah, this, the story is really great. We should make a novel out of it someday, probably. 

[00:03:07] Camille: Okay. 

[00:03:09] Camille: So what we're doing here today is going to talk to you about, I don't know, we're going to come up with maybe 10 or more tips and tricks or little, little things that have worked in our marriage to keep it interesting. 

[00:03:22] Mark: To stay together.

[00:03:25] Mark: Yeah. There's a lot, there's a lot of things about being in a relationship that can be very challenging. And so, you know, we wanted to share the things that our approaches in certain ways, things that have helped us through some difficult times. 

[00:03:39] Camille: Yeah, and the other important piece is like how to actually enjoy each other.

[00:03:43] Camille: And enjoy the life that you create together, because I think so often it can seem we can, you know, we're two random people, right? Two people, individuals trying to live and exist in this world and getting to a point where we can connect and continue to grow and love each other in this challenging world.

[00:04:01] Camille: And so I hope that this is something that you can take into your life in whatever relationships that you are in. All right. 

[00:04:09] Camille: So let's go ahead and start with number one, which I think is having humor, right? Being able to laugh together. 

[00:04:17] Mark: Absolutely. I think that that is one of the first foundational blocks of our relationship because we definitely, when we started hanging out, we really loved to like, have fun and laugh and we did a lot of laughing and having fun.

[00:04:35] Mark: And also having fun and laughing, too. 

[00:04:39] Camille: Oh my gosh, that is so good. Yeah, so we definitely have found humor in pretty much every aspect of our life. I think that's one of the things that we definitely value and we've shared with our kids as well is this idea of humor. We basically create this exaggerated story out of everything that happens in our life.

[00:05:01] Camille: Like we can come home and talk about our drive on the way home and the way that either he or I can describe that scenario is like, we can find humor in everything. 

[00:05:13] Mark: And I, I also really like to make Camille laugh, so I try very hard when I can to come up with things that she thinks are funny just so that I can, uh, get her laughing, because I get a big kick out of it.

[00:05:27] Camille: And apparently, he said, to the point of annoying me, and I was like, really, you tried to annoy me? 

[00:05:32] Mark: I said, the line's a little gray sometimes, you know, I'm still working on where exactly that line is. 

[00:05:38] Camille: Yeah, I mean, here's the deal, is that he does annoy me sometimes. Just like I'm sure annoy him, but I mean, of course he would never say that to me So that comes to point number two lie to each other.

[00:05:48] Camille: I'm just kidding I'm just kidding Yeah, the second one is learn to communicate. This is so big and something that he and I were really bad at when we first got together. I mean so bad that, I, yeah terrible. I'm surprised that we actually even made it. Even like made it to the altar, if you will.

[00:06:09] Mark: I think that if our relationship would have failed, it would have been just because we didn't know how to talk to each other and both our communication skills were just not there, especially when there was difficult issues or conflict happening.

[00:06:23] Mark: We did not know how to express ourselves to each other in a positive way and productive way. 

[00:06:31] Camille: Yeah, and I think that kind of ties back into the humor piece because I remember I wrote on somebody's card. A friend of ours that I just got married. And so they wanted for people to provide advice for the newlyweds.

[00:06:43] Camille: And it said, what's your number one piece of advice? And I said, get drunk together, like go out and get drunk together if you're having difficulty, you know, in your marriage and which is so funny to think about that now, but what I really, the root of that was is because we always had a good time together.

[00:07:00] Camille: That it was our opportunity to really communicate and connect. And then over the last 23 years, we've learned other ways that are way better. So I'm not saying that that's one of the 10 or 12 or however many we create, but it's really just the learning to communicate piece that is so important. 

[00:07:20] Mark: Yeah, absolutely.

[00:07:22] Mark: And we really have, it's something that we've had to focus on, you know, I think like sort of mid relationship, we started realizing that we're really bad at it. And we made a conscious effort to really like slow down, think about what we're trying to say. And learn how to talk to each other in a productive way, even when we're upset or when stuff's going on.

[00:07:42] Mark: It took a long time, and it took a lot of focus, really, I think.

[00:07:46] Camille: Earlier in our relationship, we couldn't communicate then either, but we just thought it was the other person's inability to, you know, that the other person was wrong. Versus mid relationship that Mark was mentioning is where we really realized, like, oh my gosh, we are just horrible communicators with one another.

[00:08:04] Camille: We would let the other person trigger us so much that couldn't come to a resolution. And actually we went to marriage counseling pretty early on in our marriage, right? 

[00:08:13] Mark: Yeah, a few years in. 

[00:08:15] And, you know, at the time, I don't know, I didn't feel like it was super productive, the marriage counseling.

[00:08:22] Mark: However, a lot of the things that we discussed in marriage counseling stuck with me for, uh, to today. And it's like, it's pretty interesting because, you know, there are these sort of deep truths about how to communicate. And, you know, and so we need to sometimes be educated on what those things are.

[00:08:41] Mark: So, it didn't stick right away, but I carried those things for a long time and really started to try to integrate them into my behavior. Not right away though. 

[00:08:50] Camille: We didn't do a single one of the worksheets that she gave us. 

[00:08:53] Mark: I still remember I was pretty resistant at the time which you know is part of human nature really you always want to feel that you're right. You know, and so when you have to start looking at yourself, what's wrong with you and what you could do better, you know, it's that you have to be ready for that.

[00:09:09] Camille: And I think that leads into number three, which is assuming the best in your partner. And I think that that's what we've really come to understand more recently in the last several years is that when the other person is saying something or that you feel like the other person is responding or acting a certain way. It actually may take a couple steps back and say, what if I assume that my partner who loves me and who's been by my side for however many years actually is doing their very best and the things that they're saying isn't an attack, but something else deeper going on.

[00:09:43] Mark: I think that as human beings, we can be defensive, and so we're not necessarily always ready to believe that other people have our best interests at heart. And so we can kind of start to assume that they don't. And it's not necessarily true, and especially with the people that you love and the people you've been with forever, as Camille was saying, it can definitely be something else, and it's not necessarily their intention to do something bad to you, even though you might have a tendency to want to interpret it that way.

[00:10:16] Camille: What's an example of this? 

[00:10:17] Mark: Well, it's like when in daily life, it's easy to get into little spats about money or, just the scheduling and stuff like that. And it's very important when you're doing that stuff what your underlying assumptions are about what's happening, right?

[00:10:33] Mark: And so it's, you know, it's better not to assume that your partner is doing something to be negative. It's just the way things are working out and then that goes back to communication too. Because if you feel like something negative is happening, the best thing to do is try to talk about it and see what's actually going on.

[00:10:50] Camille: Here's an example that I can think of about daily life stuff, right?

[00:10:55] Camille: And if you say something like, Hey, are you going to make breakfast in the morning, the other person can assume like, Oh, so you don't think I ever make breakfast in the morning? 

[00:11:04] Mark: So it's my job to make breakfast every single morning. 

[00:11:06] Camille: Versus it just being like, assuming the best, like maybe she's really wondering if I want to make breakfast in the morning, or maybe she doesn't want to make breakfast in the morning.

[00:11:15] Camille: Or maybe it's, you know, it could be so many other things where it's not a direct attack on you as a person. 

[00:11:22] Camille: And I think that feeds really nicely into this next one, which is, remember that you do actually like each other. I think in the beginning of relationships, right? You fall in love with each other.

[00:11:32] Camille: There might be some attraction that's there. You think really highly of the other person that they could do no wrong. And then the years go on and life happens, you become busy. You have children maybe, or your work life becomes more of a priority for a while, or, you know, life happens. And you have to really get back to when you're not feeling aligned and super saucy and connected. That that's okay, because you still like each other fundamentally, and you will cycle back around, but it's just something that occurs where you can fall off kilter, there can be some friction in your relationship, but it's not the end of the world, like it will sort itself out.

[00:12:15] Mark: Yeah, I mean, trying to work out the tedium of daily life, you know, with someone you can tend to forget the reasons why you got together in the first place. So I think it's really important to make space for that, and remember, you know, I mean, we ended up together for a reason. And that reason is still true today, and so sometimes life gets in the way of that, but you can take a moment and try to remember those things that brought you together in the first place.

[00:12:43] Camille: So Mark and I are recording this podcast right now in a hotel in Mexico. We are actually tucked in the of our hotel room. We have the blinds drawn. We're trying to make the best of the audio as possible. And we're talking on these cute little pink microphones that have these little puff balls at the top.

[00:13:02] Camille: The whole point in me telling you this is that this is our time away together. This is our time to reconnect. This is our time to remember that we like each other. And the only way to do that is to get away. And we're very fortunate that we can do this. For one week every year, if not, sometimes a tiny bit more, but for some people that looks like a consistent date night for other people, it could be going to breakfast in the morning if that's your time to get away or putting the kids on TV and having an outdoor picnic, just figuring out a way that you can disconnect.

[00:13:37] Camille: Disconnect from the world and reconnect to one another. 

[00:13:40] Mark: And then going back to humor, if you want to think about me talking into a super tiny pink fuzz ball, you know, that, that could be, it could be entertaining. 

[00:13:51] Camille: He's six foot. He has this beard and you know, he's like a big guy. Okay, so I'm gonna go touch back in on the remembering that you like each other and that there can be friction and some non alignment, right?

[00:14:03] Camille: So this comes to my next point that I think is so important and I didn't realize that my husband was doing this until about three years ago, maybe even less but he was tracking my cycle. He wasn't tracking my cycle to see if I was pregnant or anything like that. He was tracking my cycle because why babe?

[00:14:24] Mark: You know, I began to notice at certain times of the month Camille would be sort of randomly grumpy with me and kind of pushed me away and you know, just have sort of different aspect toward me and I started to figure out that that was part of her cycle every month. And so I kind of brought that to her attention and we've talked about it a bit. And now, when we're both aware that that's like a sort of part of the of the monthly cycle and when she does feel like she's getting grumpy, she'll ask me where we are in the cycle and, yeah, so I did start sort of keeping track of it just so that we wouldn't let that be a thing that got in our way. That we would understand why things may be a little different for a few days at a time out of each month.

[00:15:11] Camille: Oh my gosh, guys, can you just give Mark a hand of applause right now? This is so uncomfortable for him to talk about, but this is so important, because really and truly, I had no idea that he was tracking my mood into where I was in the cycle, and it really made him feel better, because he was like, okay, this doesn't have anything to do with me, this is a natural process that all women go through when they're in their hormonal cycle. And yeah, so it allowed him to be able to support himself better during that time and allowed me to be able to support myself better during that time.

[00:15:44] Camille: And the other thing is, is that I do, when I start getting headaches or I start feeling like I don't want to parent at all, and I want to kind of crawl into my bedroom and go to bed early, I get more tired, especially during perimenopause, I feel like everything is way more heightened than before. I feel like that he knows what's going on and that he'll, he takes over.

[00:16:04] Camille: He's like, okay, I'm going to do all the kids bedtime tonight or, you know, I mean, just takes over more than he typically does, which he does a lot. So if it's really, I don't know how you introduce this to your partner, but introducing to your partner this idea that women bleed every month, that they have different phases during their month where you might be more energetic, or you might be more, you know, sexually interested, where you might be more creative, where you might need more of your alone time.

[00:16:33] Camille: I think that that is just so precious. And also it can help you stay on track with your cycle and because if you're like me, then you're like, what? I can't believe that I just started my period even though all the signs have been there for the past I don't know 20 years or 30 years or whatever it is, but every month I'm still so surprised that I just started my period which now mark is like, I'm not surprised babe.

[00:16:57] Camille: I knew it was coming. 

[00:16:59] Mark: Yeah I mean it's kind of a critical thing to discuss with your partner because it definitely alleviated, you know, I wouldn't say conflict, but definitely like monthly rough patch between us. Because I was like, what's going on? Why is she being mean to me? You know, why did she just walk off. And now, since it makes sense now, it's like an issue that we've worked through. I think it's much nicer. 

[00:17:23] Camille: So this is another important tip that I have is grow together. And as having this discussion is growing together because I mean, having a discussion about cycling or even just sitting here and doing this podcast is huge growth.

[00:17:37] Camille: This is not the same couple now that was 10 years ago or 15 years ago when we're completely different in so many ways. And so we've allowed each other to, well, here's another really important piece, is grow individually. And so sometimes that can look and be uncomfortable. So for instance, when I quit drinking and Mark and I, Mark was my drinking partner.

[00:18:00] Camille: And so we drank together for many, many years like 20 years. And then one day I'm like, I can't do this any longer. And so I didn't know how our relationship was going to survive that. Because again, like connection and communication and all of those things were tied in with that. But I allowed myself to like, choose me and to see what happened during that process.

[00:18:20] Camille: And of course he was extremely gracious with that. And allowed that growth to happen. I mean, I can name so many areas where he's allowed me to have this individual growth. Like with changing my career, by quitting my professional job as a physician assistant and starting my own business. Like he's really allowed me these moments to grow into who I am now.

[00:18:42] Camille: Because we change as life goes on. We're not the same person as we were as a couple nor individually. That we were at the beginning than we are now. So, thank you for letting me grow. 

[00:18:52] Mark: You're very welcome. And change can be really exciting. You know, I mean, we have 23 years of marriage now, of course, things are going to be different.

[00:19:00] Mark: And you know, you can stay the same and do the same things in doing for decades. But, Camille and I are people who are searchers in a way. And we, we want, you know, to see what's out there and we want new experiences and we want new thoughts and new ideas. And since we are those type of people.

[00:19:16] Mark: Definitely change can be, disrupting a normal system can be difficult, but also extremely rewarding. And so it's just something to keep in mind that things don't have to stay the same and they can still be great. And I just totally agree. It's a really important thing is just to allow your partner to explore and grow and do what they feel like they have to do in this world. 

[00:19:37] Camille: Yeah, absolutely. So over the past 23 years, we've had many moments where we're growing individually parallel to one another. And then it crosses over and we can make these really big quantum leaps as a couple and growth. And then we're growing again individually parallel to one another. And then we reunite and then grow exponentially as a couple again.

[00:19:58] Camille: And that's where I feel like we are right now. I'm so excited to see what the next 23 years of our life is because we are really in sync and what our vision our future vision is. And it's different than when it was five years ago and what it was ten years ago and what you think is possible and what I think is possible is now like, I don't know, more, it's just more aligned to more and more in flow when it comes to that. 

[00:20:22] Mark: Because I think we've both decided, chosen to expand, you know, what we think about the world and we, over the past handful of years, we've been discussing it a lot.

[00:20:32] Mark: We've been discussing sort of the expansive thoughts that we have and that's been really helpful and making them come to fruition because we can share them with each other, you know, sort of freely. 

[00:20:44] Camille: And not think the other person's totally wacky when we share. Well, I think he always thinks I'm kind of on the edge.

[00:20:52] Mark: I mean, we are kind of wacky people. Yeah. 

[00:20:55] Camille: Yeah. 

[00:20:56] Mark: Let's just start from there. 

[00:20:57] Camille: So I feel we miss if we don't mention something about being parents. 

[00:21:00] Mark: Okay. 

[00:21:01] Camille: So what would you say is, one of the things that has allowed us to parent and still be together and connect as a couple. 

[00:21:08] Mark: I'll bring up sort of a watershed moment when we decided that we would have zero expectations about, about what our children are doing and what we need to do to raise them.

[00:21:19] Mark: And because, you know, when they were little, we were very, like most parents, very anxious about are we doing this right? What's wrong? Is there something wrong? And we had, we really had to shed that anxiety. And it's all in good fun that we came up with saying, have zero expectations. It's, you know, but it's funny, but also true.

[00:21:39] Camille: Yeah, this started when we would go on a family vacation together and we would have these expectations of what the family vacation would be like and how restful and fun and all the things. And I don't know anybody who has little kids or he's an auntie to, you know, tell these little kids, then, you know, that those vacations are not picture perfect.

[00:22:00] Camille: They are not Instagram worthy moments. It's really hard. And you come back and you're tired and anyway, you're just out of your rhythm and then you put that into like a new environment. So it's really tough. So we decided that after that that our following vacation, we were going to have zero expectations on how it was going to go.

[00:22:17] Camille: We're just going to show up and just see what happens. And it really, we did that when we go out to dinner with the kids. And so it's kind of stuck, but it's so true, and again, it's in jest. 

[00:22:28] Mark: It also worked, just the phrase worked. You know, if we were getting frustrated with one of the kids, Oh, what's happening?

[00:22:34] Mark: Then one of us would say, zero expectations! And then it immediately lightened the mood. 

[00:22:39] Camille: Yeah! And I love it too, because now when I really think about it, it equates to, just allow the kids to be who they are. You know, they are going to have these tantrums where they can, you're going to be talkative and want to pet every animal in the vicinity and do all these things.

[00:22:55] Camille: And if you have zero expectations where you don't put these boundaries around them and these you know, like we got to get to this place at this time that allows them to be who they are and, yeah, so have zero expectation. Maybe that should be one for a relationship. That's kind of lame.

[00:23:12] Camille: You need to have some expectations. I could go on and on and on. 

[00:23:15] Camille: And my husband's like, Oh, my gosh, can we stop this now? But I think that having somebody that you really look up to and that makes you a better person. And I really honestly can say that from the moment I've met you, I've always wanted to be a better person, a better version of myself.

[00:23:31] Camille: And so I appreciate you doing that. 

[00:23:33] Mark: Well, thank you. And I feel the same way. I think that, going back to like growing together, you know, it's so much of the stuff that we've been through, has brought me to a place where I do feel like I can grow. And I feel like, I'm so open to so much more now that I wasn't when our relationship began.

[00:23:53] Mark: And I really think that's because of our time together and our ability to discuss things and do the work that we've done to get to where we are. it's very special and very important. 

[00:24:04] Camille: Well, if you liked this episode, please share it with somebody that you love and go over to anywhere you listen to podcasts and leave me a five star review. It really helps with the algorithm and show this podcast to more people. Until next time.