Introduction and Episode Overview

[00:00:00] In this episode, I start off by talking about how lovely it is to be in sync with those around you, but then quickly get real with you about what life is really like, and how so often it's a messy dance and we don't know who is leading. And we talk about how this leads to choosing less than ideal habits and emotions.

[00:00:20] We also talk about how to fix it. See you in the episode.

[00:00:23] [Intro music]

The Impact of Others on Our Mood

[00:00:45] Hello, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. So has this ever happened to you? You're in a great mood and you go to work and the vibe there just kills the mood. Or you come home after having a great day and your family just brings you down. Or maybe it's the opposite. You're like in this really foul mood and then you go out with your girlfriends, even though you don't want to, but it was planned and so you go anyway and then your mood lifts.

[00:01:13] Or have you ever noticed that you or your partner or anybody close to you in your life have the same fight over and over and over again? Later on this episode, I'll tell you a little bit about my husband and I cycle like that, but this is called the fear dance, and we will go into a lot of detail about the fear dance and why it's so important later on in this episode.

[00:01:36] But this is the deal, guys, for better or worse, the people around us affect our mood, and when our mood is affected, then it can trigger a strong emotion. And remember that thoughts create feelings, create behavior, which create thoughts, which create feelings, which create behavior, it's this vicious cycle.

[00:01:55] So when we have a strong emotion, like we're irritated, or annoyed, or disappointed, or worried, it can cause us to do these less than desirable behaviors. These habits that we're trying to change, like maybe overeating or overdrinking or not exercising or scrolling too much on social media, or maybe if it's even a negative behavior or this doomsday-er point of view, we're trying to change those.

[00:02:27] But then a person that triggers us, something outside of us, and then we do the dang thing that we don't want to do. These false feel good habits. Our coping mechanisms to make us feel better instead of the intentional habits that we really want to instill in our lives. 

Understanding Co-Regulation

[00:02:44] So let's jump right in and define what's really going on here.

[00:02:49] So the positive view of what happens when we are in this groove with somebody else when we're in this beautiful dance, a synchronized dance with somebody close to us in our life, that can be a partner, it can be a parent, it can be a child, it can be a close person that we work with.

[00:03:06] Just whoever that is for you. I want you to think about that in your life. But somebody who's close to you. So let's just jump right in and define co regulation. Like what's going on with this? Co regulation is the beautiful dance that two people have together. And I want you to really insert whoever this close person is in your life.

[00:03:24] It can be a kid. It can be a parent. It can be a partner. It can be a really good friend. It can be a really good coworker, but let's really look at one. As we go through today's episode, I really want you to think of that one person. So you can have examples to pull from to make this a really interactive way for you to plug and play the information that I'm providing today.

[00:03:46] But co-regulation is just basically refers to how humans naturally relate to each other emotionally and physiologically. And we do this through social interaction, empathy, and connection. When we are in tune with another person, when we are jiving together, when we just connect, understand each other on this deeper level, then we're in this beautiful dance together. And co-regulation is such a beautiful thing.

[00:04:15] And think about this. Think about a partnership that you've had again. Doesn't have to be a love partnership. It can be any type of partnership that you've had. And when you are in this emotionally supportive interaction with them, you feel less stressed and less anxious and less upset. This person can make you feel really safe and understood.

[00:04:37] When you are in this co-regulation, this co regulated interaction with somebody more than likely, you'll notice that they're listening empathetically, that they're not judging, that they're providing comfort, that it's an environment of trust. And you know, there's no fear of judgment within that space. When you're in this beautiful dance of co regulation, you're attuned to somebody else's emotions that you maybe use understanding words and emotional support, maybe even without words.

[00:05:10] When you're in this beautiful co-regulated dance, then you maybe show up a little bit more vulnerably, which allows somebody else to be more vulnerable, and there's more openness and intimacy and connection. When you have times of external stress with work or family issues, co-regulation can allow you to face a challenge with somebody else.

[00:05:34] They provide a mutual support and help you stay grounded and resilient rather than having this external stress just kind of pull you apart and away from people. Healthy co regulation helps people feel more emotionally stable. And that increases our sense of well being and balance. All of this sounds so lovely, doesn't it?

[00:05:57] It's definitely my nirvana. 

The Downside: Co-Escalation

[00:05:59] But here's the reality, most of us have some unconscious crap going on in the background. Where co regulation can lead to co escalation, which leads to us going for our false feel good habits and coping mechanisms like over drinking and scrolling social media, shutting down, procrastinating, avoidance, and so on, right?

[00:06:21] And so we are going to talk about what that looks like and how we can, you know, be aware of it and change that, but also the dance of this co-escalation. Now, the co escalation dance isn't as beautiful as the co regulation dance, but it's still a dance because you got another person in the mix and you guys are doing this jig together.

[00:06:44] It doesn't look as pretty, but the great news is, later on in this episode, I'm going to dive into this co escalation dance. And how to move from the co escalation to self regulation to then co regulation again. It's basically putting your oxygen mask on first, see if you can co regulate again without it being codependency or feeling like you're overdoing it or making somebody need you, right?

[00:07:10] It's not about that. So we'll go into some examples of that later on in this episode. Here we go with co escalation. So most of the time, I don't know about you, but for me, I don't even know my buttons have been pushed. Therefore, when I fall out of this beautiful co regulation into co escalation, I don't even know I'm there until I'm in full on reaction mode.

[00:07:32] And when we struggle to regulate our own emotions, co regulation turns into co escalation. An example of this is maybe your partner comes home and is anxious about something that happened during the day. And you respond with frustration and irritation because they're always anxious about the same thing that happens at work all the time.

[00:07:50] And you basically are fueling each other's emotions, and this intensifies the conflict. It's the, not so pretty dance that occurs. So let's take the example of you being in this really good mood, and then you come home and everyone in your house is in a bad mood. I definitely have had this happen to me.

[00:08:09] And then this emotional contagion happens, where the negative vibes just spread out. Their emotions are unregulated, your emotions become unregulated, the negative emotions spread quickly within your partner. And remember, this can be in work environments, this can be with family members that don't live with you, but it just spreads like wildfire.

[00:08:30] If one person is angry and stressed, the other people mirror that emotion, and the relationship becomes a cycle of just reactive behavior, making it difficult to resolve the issue peacefully. No one even knows how you got there, right? You're like, why are we even in this mess? Why are we even in this fight?

[00:08:50] Why are we in this ugly dance? 

Exploring the Fear Dance

[00:08:53] So the fear dance, let's talk about that right now, because that's kind of the meat of this episode that I really want you guys to practice and you can Google it. It's on the internet. I don't know who originally came up with this. I heard about it from a parenting coach that I had a couple of years ago.

[00:09:11] And it made so much sense. The fear dance is something I walk through my one on one clients with. Because not only will you learn so much about yourself, but you learn so much about those closest to you. I have my own fear dance cycle that I've created that's with my husband, and then also the fear dance that I've created that's with my kids.

[00:09:31] Because those are the two places that I noticed that this cycle happens the most. So, I'll give you examples of that a little bit later on, but let's talk about why it's so important to know this fear dance. Because here's the thing, the more you take control of yourself, the better you can control everything else in your life.

[00:09:51] And so the more aware we are about what triggers and what buttons cause us to react and respond. And the underlying reason for it, and that's the important thing. What is the underlying thing? What is the underlying button or fear that it's pushing that makes us respond the way that we do? And then how does that response then cause the other person's button to be pushed and so on and so forth?

Identifying and Managing Triggers

[00:10:18] So what the heck is a button? You're like, Camille, you're talking about this button. Now, what is that? A button is something that hurts or frustrates you. And so you react to it. So this might be an expression that your partner makes. Or something that somebody says or something that somebody doesn't say.

[00:10:36] And again, sometimes these are so subconscious, we're not even aware of them. So a good thing for you, a good clue is, if your button has been pushed, so you can kind of reverse engineer this. If you find yourself criticizing somebody, or defending yourself, or shutting down, or withdrawing, then you might want to say to yourself, Oh, I think one of my buttons might have been pushed.

[00:11:01] Let me go back a little bit and just see what had happened before I decided to criticize somebody or myself or shut down. Right. And so then you can figure out what maybe was that thing that pushed your button. So let's take this 1 step deeper. And I mentioned it as I said, as I'm calling this the fear dance, is that the button is often this core fear that we have inside of us. That button touches a cord which trips the fear. And this deep core wound or core fear can be something like abandonment, or rejection, or failure, or feeling unloved, or worthlessness or unimportant, inadequate, unheard, something like that.

[00:11:50] So the reason why identifying your button or fear is important is that it is the music that starts off this dance. That starts off the not so pretty dance that you have with other people in your life. An example of this in my own life is my husband and I would have the same argument. I don't recall what that argument was, but we'd have the same argument for 15 years, so you'd think I remember, about every three weeks.

[00:12:18] You know, it was one of those fights that devolved really quickly, and maybe our feelings, one of our feelings were hurt for longer than 24 hours. I mean, sometimes we'd go into these silent treatments with one another, but it went on for 15 years or so. And about five to seven years ago, I was just over it.

[00:12:37] I was done. I was completely bored of this repetitive conversation that we had over and over and over again. And so I just said, in a very calm, very serious, very direct voice without being angry, without raising my voice. I said, Hey man, I am over this conversation. I am no longer here to have this conversation with you.

[00:13:01] If you would like to have a conversation about this argument that we've been having for the last 15 years, that's cool. I am over here. But you have to come to this argument or this fight or this conversation completely different. You have to figure out a way to have this in a different way because I am over having it the same way.

[00:13:24] And just saying that allowed for my button in that particular area to no longer be pushed. And he then didn't have his button pushed either. And now he and I rarely ever have any arguments because it was. The same thing that we had had over and over and over again in my, I know what my button was that was pushed in that I don't remember the argument, but I remember the button that was being pushed and it was this underlying fear of not being heard.

[00:13:54] I felt like he wasn't listening to me that I wasn't being heard in our relationship. And when I felt like I wasn't being heard, then I would get louder and get more angry at him. And then what he would do when I would do that is he would, then he would withdraw and feel disrespected, which meant unimportant.

[00:14:14] When I stopped the music that started the dance, then it broke the cycle. Now we have smaller ones that happen and he and I have worked through those, but I have these with my kids too. So I'm going to give you some more examples of these. But this is what I want you to ask yourself. So grab a pen and piece of paper.

[00:14:33] But when your fear button is pushed, and again, if you don't know when it's pushed, then see how you're reacting and then go back and see what caused that fear button to be pushed. But think about it. Maybe think about right now an argument that you have recently. Again, it can be with a kid. It can be with a partner.

[00:14:52] It can be with a parent. It can be with a coworker. Think of an argument you've recently had. Something that really quote unquote pushed your buttons, right? Then the second thing is, how did that make you feel? And then the third thing is, is how did it make you feel about yourself? So important. How did it make you feel about yourself?

[00:15:13] And what did you do? Number four is what do you do when you feel that way? Okay. So we're going to go into this example. 

Practical Examples and Solutions

[00:15:22] I'm going to use an example first with a partner. And then the second example I'm going to use is with a child. So let's say that you're having a fight over money with a partner and it's over maybe spending too much money and spending too much money on our credit card or not having enough money, something around money.

[00:15:40] And so that's the first question is, think of an argument you recently had, something that really pushed your button. So you're like, Oh, good. Always talks about spending too much money. And then the second question is, how did that make you feel? So the person in this scenario, it made this person feel shameful and annoyed. Shameful because I don't love spending too much money.

[00:16:04] I didn't mean to I didn't mean to cause us. I, you know, something is wrong with me and then annoyed because they always have this fight, right? So there she's annoyed that they always have this fight in conversation. So we're going to pick the one that feels most true. Cause there might be two big emotions that come out.

[00:16:23] And so this big emotion is really feeling shameful. So the next question is, is how does it make you feel about yourself when you're feeling this? So we would ask this person, like, how does it make you feel when you feel shameful? And the response is, you know, I, I feel inadequate when I feel shameful, I feel inadequate.

[00:16:43] Like, I don't know how to manage money. I try really hard to look and see it coming in and out, but it stresses me out. So I feel inadequate. I just don't know how to manage money. And then the next question is, is what do you do when you feel this way? What do you do when you feel inadequate? And in this scenario, this person is like, I withdraw.

[00:17:04] I just pull away completely. So that might look like the silent treatment that might look like ignoring, just not wanting to be involved in the conversation anymore. Okay, so that's the first scenario. And this is another tip. A lot of times when we're looking at feeling words, we say just like, angry or annoyed, but I want you to go deeper and you might even want to Google, feeling words to see if you can go even deeper into anger or frustration.

[00:17:33] Right? And see what else is there underneath. There's a lot of the feeling wheels that are online that can really help you get down to more of a root cause of your feeling. So now we're going to use an example of a child, and what I mean by that is an example of having this argument with one of your children, for your parents out there, for your caregivers out there.

[00:17:52] The argument that I'm thinking of, and this is all non hypothetical. This is going to be a real, real example of mine with my children. And so this argument is putting away your things. Like, why can't you just like to put up your dishes? Why can't you put your shoes in the laundry room? Why can't you hang your book bag on the hook that's right there for your book bag?

[00:18:14] It's this thing of just putting away your things. Like, why can't you just do that? So it's the argument about that. And how does it make me feel? Well, it makes me feel disappointed. I'm disappointed because they're not doing this thing that they said that they would do. So I'm disappointed in them. And then I'm worried, like, does this mean that they're going to be this type of person for the rest of their life?

[00:18:35] Or they throw their stuff all over the floor. And so I'm going to choose, I have these two big words. I have this word: disappointment. I have this word worried. So which is the one that feels most real right now is disappointment. And so then I'm going to ask myself, how does it make me feel about myself when I feel disappointed in this scenario?

[00:18:53] How does it really make me feel? Well, I feel ignored. And when I feel ignored, then I get angry and I criticize. So this is when I might have been like, please put your stuff away. Put your stuff away. A reminder. Put your shoes away. And then eventually, I'm like, why don't you just put your shoes away? We talk about this every day.

[00:19:16] And every day, you don't put your shoes away. And every day, I get to the point where I'm yelling at you. And they're like, why are you yelling? Why are you making such a big deal about this? And then it goes into, you know, it triggers them and their fear cycle, which we'll get to in a second. The way that I respond when I feel that way about myself and I feel ignored is exploding with anger or maybe even criticizing them for never doing what they say.

[00:19:40] Now here's the important part. This is where the dance happens. So the button that pushed is the music that starts the dance. Then I get in my reaction, and then what happens is that when I respond by being angry, let's use the example of my kids. So when I yell at them or criticize them, then what that does is it pushes their button where they feel maybe frightened because I'm yelling or they feel anxious that I'm yelling.

[00:20:09] And then that makes them feel maybe inadequate or rejected or helpless or worthless. And then what they do in return is one of my sons most definitely withdraws. And then my other son might try to use humor or he might act out by like throwing his shoes across the room. So can you imagine this happening with you have multiple family members in your house?

[00:20:35] It's like we're all responding to each other's fear dance, fear cycles, right? And this leads us to go to our coping mechanisms, which are our false feel good habits. So what do we do instead? This is another thing that you guys can google if you don't have it, but you can like look up 50 ways to take a break, or 50 ways to de stress, or 50 ways to let off steam, or whatever it is, or write down your own list.

[00:21:01] We talked about this in the number one skill to learn to change your habits. We talked about the red, yellow, and green zone, and how to move from your, if you're in like the yellow zone, how to move more into the green zone, or if you're in the red zone, how to move more into the yellow zone.

[00:21:20] So this is to add on to that. If you can write down like 50 things that make you feel better, 50 things that bring you into the green zone or 50 things that bring you into the yellow zone. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go and listen to the episode. Like it's called the number one skill. You need to learn to change your habits.

[00:21:38] It's so important, but it will help us in this fear dance. It will help you notice that when your buttons are pushed, things that you can do, so when your buttons are pushed, you're in the yellow, sometimes even in the green. Or maybe your button is pushed, you're in the yellow, and then you react, and that puts you into the red.

[00:21:57] Right. So what you want to do is figure out how you can take control of your life. Remember the only thing you can control is yourself. So you can work within this yellow by moving it out to where you're more into the yellow green or into the green zone. And the green zone is where you have connection.

[00:22:16] The green zone is where co-regulation can take place. It's where empathy can take place, active listening. So, I'm gonna just list off some things that I do in order to take a break, right? When I feel like I'm getting into this yellow zone, walking outside, just going outside. It doesn't mean I have to go for a long walk, but just going outside and taking a few deep breaths, changing my scene.

[00:22:41] So if I'm in the living room, I walk out into the front porch or back porch. Of course, I'm a huge person who believes in breath, so taking deep breaths. Interestingly enough, when I take deep breaths, since I have good rapport with my family, most of the time, then I will notice that they'll take a deep breath.

[00:22:58] It will, it will cause this co-regulation does sort of automatically happen because it's something that I've been doing for a while. How else do I reset? I can put my legs up the wall if that feels right in the moment. I can actually go through this exercise and this helps de escalate my emotions when I'm like, Okay, so what's my button?

[00:23:17] What's been triggering me? How does this make me feel and what am I doing? What do I normally do, which causes everyone else to then react and respond? I can, you know, write down some mantras or look in the mirror and do some mantras. I can do some jumping jacks just to kind of move my body or shake my body out.

[00:23:35] Listen to some music, so many things you got to write that you can do kind of in the moment, right? These aren't going to be things that you're going to get your meditation pillow and sit down. I mean, these are things that you can do in the moment to where you can start going back into that yellowish green area. 

[00:23:53] So this is so important when we're talking about habits because it's so often we come home or we go to work and we're in this emotionally chaotic environment and it's hard to maintain our positive habits that uplift and inspire us if we can't self regulate and self regulation is doing those, making a list of things we can do in the moment to bring us back into the yellow green zone.

[00:24:18] To where we can feel safer within ourselves and within our environment, where we can choose these things that make us feel good about ourselves, which then spread into the world to make it a better place. 

Conclusion and Next Episode Preview

[00:24:32] Of course, as always, would love to know what you thought about this episode. Please share it.

[00:24:36] If you found it interesting at all, also go over if you haven't and give me a five star review on wherever you listen to podcasts. This helps with the algorithm and for more people to know about the show and I will see you next time.

[00:24:51] [Outro music]

[00:24:51] And next week's episode, we're going to talk about how resilience is the key to reaching your goals and not hating on yourself while doing it, which is the most important thing. See you there.