EPI 59 - Happiness Is a Habit

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When I talk about happiness being a habit, I want to flip this around and also say that suffering can be a habit too. So just as much as happiness can be a habit, so can sitting and your suffering. And I know that that might be a little hard to sit with at first, especially if you've been moving through some tough times, a tough season in your life, or if joy feels like something you have to work for, or worse, something you don't fully trust exists.

Welcome to the Habit Within. This podcast is for high achieving women, 35 and older, who seem to have it all together, but feel like they're constantly running on fumes, struggling to balance it all and losing sight of the woman they used to be. I'm Camille Kinsler, a former physician assistant turned transformational coach, blending science, positive psychology, and a metaphysical approach to habits, health, and vitality.

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If you've ever asked yourself, why am I so exhausted even after a full night's sleep? Or I feel like I'm juggling so much, but I'm just barely keeping my head above water. You are in the right place. Each week, we'll explore the real reasons behind feeling overwhelmed, trapped in the cycle of overworking, and constantly running low on energy, and how to break free from the patterns keeping you stuck in survival mode.

It's time to stop living on autopilot and to start feeling like yourself again. Let's dive in. Dedicated to and didn't want to cancel.

So I canceled that retreat time. And my husband asked if I would like to do something else. And so I looked around at other places to go, visiting some hot springs, or other retreats that were going to fit within this very short time period that I had.

And I decided I was just going to stay home or not home, but stay in my city. And so I rented an Airbnb in this hip part of Austin that's surrounded by shops and good food. And yeah, spent my time wandering around eating a ton.

And then I had a really fun night with a girlfriend who came down and met me. I also had a spa day where I went to two different locations to get a facial and a massage. It was luxurious.

And it was all less expensive than if I had gone on the retreat. So I felt pretty good about that too. And I brought the fam a huge box of donuts from this place called The Salty.

So I'm excited to share that with them. This evening, I'm going to Hamilton with my 13 year old. This was a gift that I gave him for his 13th birthday.

He and I have listened to the Hamilton soundtrack since he was really young. So this is going to be super fun to do together. And then today, as we talk about this, I've mentioned this before, a lot of stuff that I that I mentioned in my podcast, I have mentioned before, because repetition is so very important.

But this I feel is something that I come back to time and time again. And this is about the habit of happiness, that happiness is truly a habit. And I'm really hoping that this is just going to change the way that you look at yourself, or that you look at the people around you.

And when I talk about happiness being a habit, I want to flip this around and also say that suffering can be a habit too. So just as much as happiness can be a habit, so can sitting and your suffering. And I know that that might be a little hard to sit with at first, especially if you've been moving through some tough times, a tough season in your life, or if joy feels like something you have to work for, or worse, something you don't fully trust exists.

But let me tell you this, have you ever noticed how easy it is to see habitual suffering in other people? You know, someone, maybe a family member, a co worker, a friend, that you can just feel it that you see them and they are living in this victim mentality, that every time you talk to them, it's always the negative view of life. They truly live in their suffering. And it's become part of their identity.

It's not just about what's happened to them. It's about how they relate to everything that is happening. Now I want you to flip that around.

Think of somebody who just has a positive outlook, someone who is joyful or peaceful. And I'm not talking about the head in the clouds kind of way. But I want you to pick somebody who you know that has been through it.

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They live life, they're in life, they are a normal human being that has had life happen to them, like all of us. Maybe they've lost a parent, or maybe they are in a job that they love, or that relationships are a little bit harder for them. Or, you know, there's something that you just know that they have to navigate through, that is doesn't come easily.

And yet there's this substance to their presence, a grounded joy, a light that isn't naive, but really like anchored in something. They just have it. You know, you know, those people, you're just like, what is your secret sauce? Like, what is that thing that keeps you moving through life with such optimism? That's the person I want you to think about as we move through this episode.

Because there's something really interesting that happens when we stop dismissing people's happiness as, oh, well, they just must have it easy. When we stop assuming that joy is the result of ideal circumstances and see it as a choice, a practice, a habit of the mind. In the world of NLP, neurolinguistic programming, it's something that I have a master practitioner training in, there is this concept called modeling.

It means that you observe somebody who does something really well, and maybe that something is something you want for yourself. And you study how they do it, not from a place of comparison or envy, but from curiosity. Because the truth is most people who are really good at something, they're not always consciously aware of it.

They don't even know how they do it, or that they do it at all. It just is second nature. Scratch that.

It's just second nature. It's woven into the way they live life. It is the way that they are.

It is their being. So yeah, let me actually, I wasn't going to do this, but let me actually walk you through what the NLP modeling steps are. Because I feel like this is something that can be really helpful, not only in this concept of happiness or joy, but maybe you want to get a certain job in an area, or you want to get better at performing maybe in athletics, or maybe more outgoing, or social, or whatever it might be.

You can use this for practically anything, being a better parent. The first step to NLP modeling is to choose a model. So somebody who embodies a trait or behavior that you admire.

And this could be like grounded happiness. The second thing is, is that you observe their behavior, how they act, how they carry themselves, how they speak and move through the world. And don't worry, guys, you can find all of these steps in the downloadable worksheet.

If you go into the show notes, you can go ahead and click a button to receive this worksheet for the day that will really walk you through the NLP modeling process. Step three, discover their beliefs. You might actually have to ask them, what do you believe about life? What do you believe about people? What do you believe about challenges? The fourth one is identify their internal strategy.

So how do they make decisions? And this could be mean that they feel into how their body feels when making a decision, how they feel in their gut or in their heart space or in their mind? Or when they are in this internal struggle, then how do they calm themselves? Or are they resilient in nature? Do they bounce back quickly? Are they fearful? Or do they find that when they are afraid of something that they walk through that fear anyway? And then you recreate it and test it out. So you try it on in your own life. You practice the behaviors, you test the beliefs, and you see what shifts.

I use this modeling pattern when I was looking at creating my own online business. And it's really interesting that I still go back to the two-hour interview that I did with this woman about her, about all of these steps that we just spoke about. And it really makes me want to go back and listen to that now because it's been about a year or so.

So if someone in your life has this ease or optimism that you admire, then I really invite you to study them. Really watch them. How do they respond when life gets hard? How do they speak to themselves? So important to really notice how somebody speaks to themselves and to others.

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What are their daily rituals or mindset do they have that they practice? And again, this might be without them even realizing it. I really encourage you to interview these people. And again, like I said, they might think that you're crazy.

Like, what do you mean that I'm just naturally happy? I don't know why I'm happy. But when you really get into the steps in the worksheet that I'll share with you, then you can really get down to the good stuff. And it's really beautiful for them too, because you're honoring them by really wanting to get into discussion and get to know them better.

Yeah, because really often the most powerful models are those people who just do it naturally. They don't even know they're doing it. And that's why curiosity is so powerful.

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It really lets you gather all of the pieces and rebuild something new within yourself by trying on what these other people who do things well. So when I think about this concept, I think about my mom. This woman is genuinely one of the happiest people I know, not in this performative way, but in a rooted, steady kind of way.

Life has brought her her fair share of challenges. Her oldest son was severely ill at one point and he did a litter transplant. Her middle child, which we all say was her favorite, is Down's syndrome.

So she's had to navigate that even when there weren't any resources available back in the day. She has been through a lot, but she lives in gratitude. She's deeply connected to her faith.

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She trusts something bigger. And people feel that. When they're grieving or afraid, they come to her.

They trust her with their most vulnerable moments. And she doesn't fix them, she just holds space and supports them. There's a quiet power in the way she carries people through pain without carrying the weight of it herself.

I often, and so does my father, oftentimes say to her that she does too much, that she gives too much, that she's too much of a caretaker. But in reality, this doesn't train her. And because it doesn't train her, it means that it's coming from a different place.

And that place is a place of support and not trying to fix it or be accountable for it. And that brings me to a point that I want to go a little deeper on. And it's around this idea of holding space for others and what that really means.

There's such a subtle but profound difference between being accountable for someone else's emotions and being supportive of them. When we feel accountable, when we take on other people's pain as ours, it drains us, especially women, but exhausts our system. It pulls us into this fix-it mode, into over-functioning, into guilt and resentment.

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That's the masculine energy of doing, of responsibility, of, I must carry this. And the masculine energy really loves to fix things, really loves to help and to provide. The feminine energy doesn't.

We prefer, or the feminine part of us, even in men, there's a feminine and masculine part, but the feminine role loves to support. It's when we soften into that, we become more open. We are what they like to call in the yoga room or what they like to say in women's circles.

We like to hold space, but we don't hold the weight of what somebody is carrying. And I just want you really to notice that in your life. Where are you in the fix-it, accountable mode, being a hundred percent responsible for somebody else's emotions versus being the support, somebody who can hold the space of somebody else's energy without the weight.

We trust that people will be in their experience and we can offer our love and our presence and our empathy, but we don't get in the weeds with them. We don't get in the mud with And that's what true queen energy is. Queen energy isn't trying to fix anyone.

Queen energy doesn't hustle for her worth or prove her value by absorbing everybody else's emotions. Queen energy is grounded. Queen energy trusts herself.

Queen energy trusts others. Y'all just think about that for a second. Queen energy trusts others.

She creates safety through her presence, not in her performance. Support is feminine power in motion. It's sustainable.

Fix-it energy is not sustainable. Supportive energy expands our capacity instead of draining it. It allows us to show up fully while still holding onto ourselves.

So I want to leave you with this reflection today. When in your life are you taking accountability for somebody else's emotions, energy, or experience? And what would it feel like to shift that into support instead? What would it look like to stay in your center, in your queen energy, and offer love without leaking your life force? Y'all, I'm working on this daily as well, really trying to feel into this queen energy of being able to both provide like their mother energy and then hold an enormous amount of boundary within my current energy. So the queen is the perfect balance between those two.

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Maybe you can look at somebody in your life that models this queen energy. Who in your life does this well? Who embodies this joy and trust and grace and sovereignty in such a magnetic way? So study them, be curious. I even extra bonus points of you to interview them and then begin to build that habit within yourself.

One thought, one breath, one choice at a time because you can make happiness a habit, a quiet, powerful, sustainable habit. Happiness doesn't have to mean skipping through fields with a big old grin on your face. Although I totally dig that vibe for you, so go for it.

But happiness to me is this deep sense of well-being, this quiet knowing that even when life feels chaotic, even when things aren't going right, that I'm going to be okay, that you're going to be okay, that we're all going to be okay in the end. That kind of happiness, that habit is available to you. And if you want it, you can start building that today, love.

So let me know if you try modeling somebody in your life, and I'd love to hear what you learn. And I might just do a whole episode on my mom if I can sit down with her and get her to unpack what she really believes about joy, trust, and faith. I think it would be so beautiful, so let me know if that interests you at all.

And until next time, be kind to yourself. You're doing better than you think. Much love.

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The world needs the vibrance and wisdom of a woman's intuition to help heal the world. When we learn to trust ourselves through leaning into and through discomfort, we learn to trust ourselves, and in that space is our power and clarity.