EPI 53 - The Surprising Power of Receiving in Relationships

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Hey, hey, welcome back to The Habit Within. I'm your host, Camille Kinsler. And today, I have to be quite honest, we might ruffle some feathers out there because the topic we're diving into is a bit counterculture.

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But it's a conversation that's been on my heart for a while, especially in my own life. And I believe it's necessary to share it with you. This is a way for me to process and for me to see actually if what I'm even speaking about and have been learning really lands.

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So welcome to this journey with me. Remember, I write everything in pencil, so my views can change. And so can yours.

We can always pivot. What we're going to talk about today is the art of receiving and how learning this can transform not just your relationship. So if you're not in a relationship, it can change other areas of your life as well, like in your professional world or within your health and wellness, within your family dynamic.

So stick with me even if you aren't in a relationship. I always think that people who listen to this podcast are exactly like me. So you might not be, and that's totally fine.

But if you are, then you might pride yourself in being independent, capable, and the one who always has it all together. You're the giver. You're the doer.

But here is what I realized. After years of being that way, I'm missing one key ingredient in having a deeper, more fulfilled and satisfying relationship. And that is receiving.

And trust me, it's not a small oversight. I am in the habit of not receiving. It's something that I have to unlearn, that I am unlearning.

And I know I'm not alone on this. So let me just ask you, how comfortable are you with receiving? Are you open to love and support and compliments and even simple acts of kindness? And this can be within a partnership or within even co-workers and people that you know in your life, even family members. Are you letting your partner provide for you? Are you acknowledging if your partner provides certain roles in your relationship? And just so you know, I'll be referring to traditional gender roles within this episode.

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But whether you identify as a male, female, or something else, this message can apply to anyone in partnership. And I think you'll find something for yourself in here too. So have you guys heard of the Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong? Well, that is what we're going to look at, the art of receiving.

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We're going to look at it through the lens of this book. And for a long time, this book has been circulating, floating around my awareness. I kept hearing about it and seeing it recommended, but I had never actually picked it up until recently, until one of my buzzies said that she was reading it, which then gave me the little nudge that I should pick it up and read it.

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The other thing I remembered is that if you want to change a relationship, if you want to improve your relationship that you're in, the best thing that you can do is work on yourself, not on the other person. And I've been doing that over the past decade. I've done a lot of personal growth of self-discovery, as I like to call it.

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I focused on, you know, the way I react to things, my perception of things, how I cared for myself, how I talked to myself. But I never really looked at how to improve my relationship, right? So that helped my relationship tenfold, but it didn't deepen my relationship. It allowed for us to, like, get along better, for me not to overreact, for us to have, you know, not fight, not having the screaming fights that we used to have.

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But I never actually said, like, how can I be a better partner? Does that make sense? So I knew that I needed to find something that was outside of my comfort zone. And I also knew that if I looked and searched, you know, Google, what are some best relationship books, that I would pick something that felt like it went along with my current belief. And I wanted to go deeper.

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That I know, when we're really trying to go into self-discovery, we need something that really stretches us, that puts us outside of our comfort zone, that is a true pattern interruption for us to really see how we're responding, acting to the world. So that's when I finally picked up The Queen's Code and began to read it. And it is stretching me.

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So really in this world where gender equality and independence are championed, Armstrong's idea can feel very countercultural. So if you want to pick this up, I just want you to know that right away. Because she suggests that understanding and embracing differences between men and women is actually the thing that leads to a stronger relationship.

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So here's the key takeaway from the book. So right here and now, you will know if you feel resistance to this. Is that we need to understand men's needs.

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Alright? So so many women, including myself, have misunderstood men's core desires. Things like respect, admiration, and appreciation. We often think of those needs as trivial or like, yeah, don't we all need those things? But they're foundational.

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At least this is what Armstrong is suggesting. They're foundational to fostering respect and harmony in relationships. And by understanding these needs, we can actually communicate in ways that make both partners feel seen and valued.

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What I love about her work is that she's not saying that there should be dominance, that one is greater than the other. But that in this synergistic relationship with one another, that we build each other up. And actually, one of the most powerful lessons within The Queen's Code is this idea of embracing the power of our feminine energy.

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In this book, Armstrong emphasizes that women's strengths of compassion, intuition, empathy, and nurturing are often exactly what's needed to create positive, harmonious connections with our partner. Rather than trying to compete or control, we can use these qualities to attract harmony and balance within our relationship. Y'all, I've been trying this stuff out and it is working.

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It is having such a really beautiful, powerful impact on our relationship. And it's easy for me to try this out because I'm in a really safe relationship with my partner. With my husband, he and I have been in partnership for over two decades.

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But it's really neat how subtle these changes are with just applying some of The Queen's Code to our relationship. So what is the Queen archetype? So it's a woman who embodies grace and wisdom and confidence. So this woman, she leads by example and commands respect as well, just as men, but through a different sort of style, right? Through a different vibe.

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It's not by force, but through really who she is. It's through her being herself. It's through her ability to receive.

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And as I started to lean into this idea, which it took a little bit, I realized that receiving wasn't about being weak or dependent. And that's how I always looked at it. It was more about empowering both myself and my partner by allowing for there to be balance in our dynamic.

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And in order for there to be balance in our dynamic, I also had to recognize that there were differences within who he and I were. So when we as women choose to respect and support our partners, and we actually like show them that they're valuable and capable, then we can help them rise to their highest potential. And then in doing so, this enhances the connection and brings out the both in us.

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So how are you guys doing so far? Is this something that you feel like you know that you're doing already? Or does this feel like counterculture? And you're like, no, this is not what we do in 2025. All right. I don't know.

I'm curious. So let's talk a little bit about why we might struggle to receive. Because here's the truth.

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I mean, receiving can feel extremely unnatural for many of us. We've been trained to value giving above all else. If we see somebody struggling or in need, or even if there's just a little bit of tension within the family, then we're the one who reaches out to try to change everything, to help out, to change the dynamic, to make everybody okay, to people please.

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But when we resist receiving ourselves, we're actually blocking that natural flow of energy. It's like trying to breathe out without ever inhaling. We deplete ourselves and wonder why we feel stuck and burnt out and resentful.

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But when we allow ourselves to receive, whether it's love or help or compliments, it creates a sense of ease and balance in our lives. But we have to know how to ask for help. We have to know how to say that we need something, which can feel very vulnerable.

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Right? I know that for me, I'm still practicing that. Like, I need a foot rub. I need you to go and get the boys.

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And it's really interesting is that when I'm very clear about what my needs are, then my husband's extremely gracious and generous and ready to respond to my needs. But if I'm wishy-washy or if I'm not direct with it, he doesn't know what I need, if it's actually like something that I need or something that I would wish for. So it's very interesting in the words that we're choosing.

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And I think as we're carrying this queen archetype, that it really is important with how we respond. Because I think so often we can respond out of frustration and anger. But the queen archetype is one that would pause, right? And reflect and choose empowering responses that would help both people thrive.

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This can be something that you can use in your personal life and in professional life. When we respond thoughtfully, not just for ourselves, but the people around us, we foster a much more peaceful environment. Some other areas where these traditional roles are revisited within Armstrong's work is really by looking at, and remember we're talking about roles as male and female, that this male role of being the protector, the provider, the pursuer, the problem solver, and the partner.

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So really I suggest if this interests you at all to get the book and dive into it this isn't necessarily a book review today. But Armstrong does suggest that leaning into these roles rather than rejecting them can foster a better relationship. And y'all I know this can sound really old-fashioned, especially in a time where it's really common to reject any sort of fixed role.

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But I have to tell you, I live with three boys. I live with two boys and a man. I have a dad and two brothers, uncles, all sorts of men that have been around my life.

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And I have to say that one of these things is not like the other, and that one thing is me. I'm not like these other people. And so really what I noticed is that rejecting that there were these differences was causing this chasm within my husband and I's relationship.

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And now when I really start looking at it and these different roles, traditional roles of him being the protector, of him wanting to be the protector, of him wanting to be the provider, of him wanting to be the pursuer and the problem solver, and all of those things has just helped me have a more interesting conversation with him, which takes this art of receiving and this need to know what I'm asking for and how I'm wanting him to provide and how I'm wanting him to protect and pursue and problem solve. It's really interesting because within her book, it's something that we define as a partnership. It's not something that's written in stone about how men want to protect and provide, etc.

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It's how we as this partnership in relationship want the person to protect and provide. I know this takes how, you know, I'm all about the habit of the mind. So I know this is going to be one of those habits of the mind.

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You have to relearn this art of receiving or maybe learn it for the first time. But it's a habit that can be cultivated just like any other one. But if you're so used to resisting this or it just seems not natural, then this can take some effort, but it is totally possible.

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So as always, start with the awareness of if you're even rejecting receiving. What does receiving even look like? Maybe it is receiving the hug. Maybe the interpretation of what the hug means is different for you.

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You might think that it means leading to having sex when actually the hug just means closeness, that your partner wants closeness. I mean, have you guys ever heard in positive parenting that you with children, what you want to do is you want to focus on things that they're doing well, because when you focus on things they're doing well, they'll do it again. It's kind of the same thing I'm thinking here as I'm going through this episode with you is that we really focus on areas that we want more of.

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If we feel like our partner is providing in a way that is helpful to us, then we highlight it. For example, in the last few years, the roles have switched for my husband and I, and he's been the primary breadwinner when I was for many years. Now what I'm doing is simply saying, thank you so much for bringing in the money to support your family.

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I really love that. It really helps me be able to focus on building up my own small business. It seems so silly to say, but every time I say it, I can tell that he stands a little taller and his chest gets a little bit prouder.

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When I say things like, oh gosh, thanks so much for rubbing my feet on the couch, like those small gestures, like he'll get in there and knead my feet even deeper. It's paying attention to those moments and then feeding them in those moments where we're saying, I am receiving your gifts. I'm receiving you and respect you for doing these things for me.

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So I make it a big deal to when he's interacting with the kids and say, oh wow, like it's so great that they have a father that's so involved in their lives. Makes them feel good. And then in return, he wants to treat me like a queen.

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There's a little bit more of like, oh, what do you need? How can I help you? It's very interesting, guys. It's kind of like we're learning this hack in order to get our men to do things without nagging and all that stuff. I don't know if that sounded really bad.

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Like it's another way to manipulate, which I'm not saying. We're not trying to manipulate here. But it's just really cool like how well it works.

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The more that I build him up, he reciprocates in such a beautiful way. So let's talk a little bit about how receiving can actually help us achieve our goals outside of relationships. So first off, success isn't all about effort.

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Actually, the majority of success isn't about effort. It's about alignment. It's about what are those ideas that come into your mind? Who are the people that cross your path that can fulfill your dreams? And then do you take action on them? So when you allow yourself to receive, you'll notice that more doors and opportunities actually start to open.

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You'll have more resources at your fingertips, more support in achieving your goals. I promise you this will happen. And I'd love for you to kind of write it down in this art of receiving, opening your heart up, noticing how this flood of opportunity might come to you.

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That's why I love breath work so much is that typically when people are doing breath work frequently with me, then they'll come to sessions and talk about how much more flow and ease that's in their lives. Things just seem to be going more easily. Beautiful.

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It's because when you're in breath work, you are in the height of receiving. And most of the women I work with are high achieving women, just like myself. So we often feel stuck because we think that we need to do more.

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But we're like, I don't have enough time in my day to do more. How can I do more? And it's a lot. But I'm telling you, y'all, the real shift happens when you allow yourself to receive more.

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When you allow yourself to receive from the people around you, from your friends. When you have a friend come over to your house and they want to wash your dishes, let them wash your dishes. I had this most beautiful experience with one of my dear friends.

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She brought my kids back to her house after school. My husband was coming over to meet her so they could play some music together. And when I got there with the pizza, I cleaned her kitchen.

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And she for one second was like, no, I got it. And then she looked at me and she was like, thank you. I so appreciate that you're doing this for me.

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And she let me clean her entire kitchen, empty her dishwasher, put up all the dishes, and then wash the dishes by hand. It felt so good to be able to provide. Of course, that's like the doer in me.

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But what I loved more is that she received it. And that made me want to do it more. So really looking in your life to see where you can receive more.

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I would love to hear about it too. So go over to my DMs and Instagram or something like that. And just let me know how this is working for you.

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And one simple way that you can receive more is when somebody tells you that they like your lipstick or your scarf or your jacket or your clothes or whatever. Just say thank you. Don't reject it.

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Don't deflect it. Don't shrug your shoulders. Look them in the eye and say thank you and mean it.

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And let yourself feel the difference between resisting and receiving. And ask yourself, where else in my life am I resisting this thing called the art of receiving? So that's my challenge for you. And again, go to the show notes and download the homework bliss break homework handout that's going to be attached to this particular episode.

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We'll dive in deeper so you can actually take action on what we're talking about here. So y'all, I'm still in this process of learning to receive. But so far, it's been a massive game changer for me.

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And it's something that I want to encourage you to embrace too. If you're in Austin, Texas, this Friday, we're holding our women's circle where we have ritual and breath work, this two hour session. So send me a DM if you'd like an invite.

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If you're in Austin, Texas, we host that once a month. So my last thought is if you've spent your life proving yourself through giving, it's time to let it go, love. It's time to let it go.

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You don't have to earn it. Just allow it. Just receive it.

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So I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. If you've struggled with receiving, what's one small shift you can make today? DM me, email me, however. And please share this with a friend.

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If this episode resonated with you, hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. And until next time, here's your permission slip that it is okay to receive. XOXO