Introduction to Taking People at Their Word

[00:00:00] In today's episode, we're going to talk all about how taking people for their word will allow you to reach your goals with so much more ease and flow. And what I mean by that is actions do not speak louder than words. Let the words people say speak for themselves. To learn more about what I'm talking about and how this will help you achieve your goals, listen in to the episode. 

[00:00:41] Hey, hey, welcome back to the podcast, friends. I am really excited to talk about this particular topic today. It took me a very long time to actually understand this. I would let the way that he responded to a question guide whether or not I believed what he was saying to be true or not. And we'll talk more about that and I'll give you some examples a little bit later on in this episode.

[00:01:04] But when we do not take people for their word and we try to interpret what they might be saying, Then what that does is it leads us down this rabbit hole where we aren't self regulated, where we aren't self resourced, which means that we end up choosing the thing at the end of the day that doesn't help us reach our goals.

[00:01:25] It actually hinders us. So that is why it's important for us to really be aware of this particular topic, and we'll just jump right into it. 

Personal Experiences and Examples

[00:01:35] So let's see if any of these scenarios sound familiar to you. Have you ever asked your partner to run an errand and he or she said yes, but maybe he said it without looking at you or the of the yes, you didn't really like.

[00:01:49] So you spend the next several minutes making sure that they're really cool with it. Are you sure you want to go? I mean, you didn't sound like you were really that into it. I mean, do you have anything else that you needed to be doing? I can do it. Oh my gosh. I know that that was me so often with my husband, especially at the beginning of our relationship.

[00:02:07] And actually recently, a couple of weeks ago, I went through this as well, which triggered me to create this episode for you guys. So here's another scenario. 

The Impact of Misinterpretation

[00:02:16] There's this family crisis going on, right? So you have all these family members, they've gotten together and you're trying to figure out how to accomplish these different tasks.

[00:02:25] But you're worried that the family member that said that they're going to do this thing, you're stressing over whether they're going to end up doing it or not. So you end up doing it yourself because you're like, I don't know if they're going to do it. They said they would, but who knows when? And so you just take over it.

[00:02:41] So you are stressing over this thing that somebody may or may not do instead of just taking their word for it, whether they're going to do it or not. Here's another example. You have this minor emergency that's come up at work. And you ask your boss if you can leave early. And she says, yes, but she doesn't do it in a way that feels compassionate or empathetic and you kind of feel like she's brushing you off.

[00:03:05] So you worry the whole entire time that you're off taking care of this minor emergency that you're somehow in trouble. That when you get to work that I don't know you're gonna be fired or that they're going to think that you're a slacker. Okay, we're not sociopaths, right? So we care about what people think, and that's completely normal.

[00:03:24] But if we spend more than a couple minutes worrying about it, then what we're doing is we're expending our energy on something we don't know whether or not is true, instead of expending our energy on stuff that makes us better humans. So we'll talk about more examples a little bit later on. 

Challenging Common Beliefs

[00:03:40] You've probably heard the idiom, actions speak louder than words, right?

[00:03:44] But I'm going to challenge this today and say our interpretation of actions speaks louder than words. So instead of interpreting those actions, let's see what can happen if we just take people out their face value. Okay, y'all, unless it's someone who says that they're going to do something and they don't do it.

[00:04:02] We all know that person in our lives, or we've known that person in our lives, that they just never say what they're gonna do. I'm not talking about that person. I'm talking about somebody who says that they're gonna do something, but you just really don't like the way they say it. They don't say it with the involvement or the energy that you're looking for.

[00:04:19] And so you wonder whether they really want to do the thing. 

Understanding the Nuances

[00:04:22] See, it's like watching a foreign language without the subtitles though. You think you know what's going on, but you don't understand the nuance of the relationship without the words. If you don't take somebody for their word, then you're going to spend a whole lot of time and energy thinking and interpreting what they really meant.

[00:04:40] And this thinking will cause worry and anxiety and concern and frustration and confusion, all sorts of emotions, which causes your nervous system, that stress response system that's in your body, to go into either hypoarousal or hyperarousal. 

Understanding Hypoarousal and Hyperarousal

[00:04:58] So what does this look like? A hypoaroused person looks like, I don't know, lethargic, unmotivated, numb.

[00:05:06] You just really want to shut down. If you're hyper aroused, then you're maybe unclear, you're a blurry thought, you're all over the place, you're emotionally distressed. 

Impact of Arousal States on Daily Choices

[00:05:18] So, let's see how, if we're in a hypo aroused or hyper aroused state, how that could affect our choices. So just think about it, if you're in a hypo aroused state, if you're shut down and unmotivated and numb, how is that going to affect your goals?

[00:05:34] How is that going to affect you not choosing to have wine at the end of the day? How is that going to create this momentum to go to the gym? Or if you're in a hyper aroused state, how is that going to help you connect with your family at the end of the day or connect with co workers? How is having this blurry thought going to really help with productivity, with you getting your tasks done?

[00:05:56] It isn't. And so if we allow somebody to suck our energy based on whether we interpret them wanting to do a task or not, then we're not going to achieve our goals. It's as simple as that. 

Personal Example: Communication with My Husband

[00:06:09] So, an example that I have with a conversation with my husband the other day, because again, like I said, this is something that I've worked really hard on believing what my husband says to be true, even when his actions, the way he responds about it, tell me differently.

[00:06:24] So a conversation I had with my husband the other night was I asked if he could take the kids to school in the morning, because I had a client who needed to reschedule and have an earlier appointment for the day. I just needed to let her know if it was going to work or not. I didn't need to make that appointment change.

[00:06:40] But if I could offer it, I wanted to be flexible. And his physical response was no, but his verbal response was yes. And I noticed that his physical response was a no. So I pushed him a little bit on it. Like, are you sure? Is there anything else going on in your day? I mean, this is not a big deal. I can let her know that we can reschedule it for a different time.

[00:07:02] But he said, I can do it. So I took him for his word. And then I let it go. I carried on in my day, not ruminating on whether he really wanted to take him to school the next day or not. Well, that wasn't the end of it though, because the next day, we actually had some discourse about it. We got into an argument.

[00:07:22] About the choice that he made because it was his choice to say yes to taking them to school, but it turns out right that it wasn't about him taking the kids to school or not. Something else was going on that was causing him some additional stress at work, which then when I asked him to do it, an additional task.

[00:07:40] It felt overloaded for him, even though he could do it. So this all came down to a communication issue. 

The Importance of Clear Communication

[00:07:46] And it's something that I've, he and I have talked about many times in our relationship. Before, you have to tell me what you really mean, because I'm not going to sit here and try to interpret it. I'm not going to try to figure out what you really mean.

[00:07:58] So if you need something, you have to ask me for it. Otherwise, I'm going to take you at face value. 

Final Thoughts: Trusting Face Value

[00:08:03] What I really want to get across today is for you to remember it is not your responsibility to try to figure out another person's intention. You need to go based on face value, based on what their words are telling you.

[00:08:16] Because even if you do sit there and try to interpret what they really mean, you'll never really figure it out. And even if you speak to somebody about what they might have really meant unless they are keenly a self aware. They won't be able to tell you either. It's a true waste of time and it leads to this beautiful moment of actual communication when you can let your partner or boss know like I can't read your mind you're gonna have to tell me exactly what you want and exactly what you think.

[00:08:46] Otherwise I'm going to have to just run with what you're telling me. So the way that I know to do this, so I don't feel like I'm ignoring somebody's feelings, is I always try to come from a place of love and respect and every situation and conversation as much as humanly possible. I get into my stuff, too, and I leave the interpreting for the professionals, whoever they are.

[00:09:07] But I stopped playing the interpretation game a long time ago, and I really suggest that you do as well. Instead, pick that feeling that feels the lightest and best in your body and go from there. And trust me, you'll be able to make better decisions throughout the day that support your goals. If you do this, see you next time.