Introduction to the Series

[00:00:00] This is part two of a five part series where I share the five habits of the mind that I broke in order to be happier and have just a better life and all. So last week I teased and I said, what do you think this episode is going to be about? I would rather be happy than right. So, in today's episode, I'm going to share with you what that is, and also, I'm gonna, uh, talk to you about a concept from neurolinguistic programming called The Map is Not the Territory, and give you real life examples and practices in order to transform your life from the inside out.

[00:00:36] Join me!

[00:00:37] Hey, hey, welcome back friends to The Habit Within. Today is the second part of a five part series where I share the five habits that completely changed my life. And these are all habits of the mind. These are mindset shifts that I made that completely transformed my life. And I'm so happy to be here to share it with you.

The Concept of 'Happy vs. Right'

[00:01:18] I teased last week about this week's episode and I said, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? So I'm really curious to see. What you think that we are going to talk about today, and I've got to say, this episode might challenge you, but it's one of those challenges that if you're willing to take can bring you a deep sense of peace and freedom into your life, and this is coming from a recovering, argumentative, salty, feisty, love the debate team woman.

[00:01:48] My husband actually always said that I should have been the one who was the attorney and not him, because he does not like debating. And early on in our relationship, I apparently was the one who loved to debate. I mean, and who wouldn't when you have all the right ideas, when you know what the right answer is?

[00:02:04] Who wouldn't love to argue? 

Understanding Arguments and Perspectives

[00:02:06] And today we're talking about arguments, if you didn't guess it. And we're really going to look at how letting go of the need to be right can really transform your life. And along the way, I'm going to share a powerful concept from NLP, which is Neurolinguistic Programming. 

Applying NLP: The Map is Not the Territory

[00:02:22] I am a Master Practitioner in NLP, and I'm going to share with you one of the concepts called The Map is Not the Territory.

[00:02:29] And show you how you can shift how you approach disagreements and create a deeper understanding in your relationship. So let's have some fun and I'm going to share, of course, some personal stories along the way. So let's talk about why we argue. So arguments often happen because we see the world differently than somebody else.

[00:02:47] But here's what NLP teaches us, that no one is experiencing reality directly. Whoa, trippy, right? We're all experiencing life through our own internal map. And that internal map, y'all, is shaped by our personal beliefs, our values, and our past experiences. Here's the thing about beliefs. We see our beliefs as truth.

[00:03:10] We see them as truth. But think about it. When you really dive deep into what your belief is, then it's kind of on unshakable ground. So, if your map shows you one thing, and somebody else's map shows them a completely different thing, then of course you're going to have a disagreement. But what if neither of you is completely right or wrong?

[00:03:31] Now this is when my mind, completely blew. What if I wasn't right? Oh my gosh, and how do I know if I'm a hundred percent right? How do I know if it's true what I believe? But what if you're both just navigating the world through your own unique lens? I see it this particular way because of how I was brought up and the person next to me sees it their way because of the way that they were brought up or even the circumstances that they're currently living.

Personal Story: Politics and Perspective

[00:04:00] Alright, let me share a personal story with you so we can kind of land this a little bit more. I, for years, for years, was incredibly argumentative when it came to politics. I was so convinced that my views were right, they were the correct ones, and I see you out there, I see that you feel the same way. But here's the thing, is I saw anyone who disagreed with me as ignorant, or worse, and I'm talking to you about my family members, y'all, people who I know loved me, that were giving, that were of service people. And I saw them as other, but when I started applying the concept of maps, this shifted everything.

[00:04:40] This shifted everything, not only about politics, but about relationships in general. I realized that the people that I was arguing with weren't wrong. My ego really wanted them to be wrong because that would make me right, but they weren't wrong. They were simply seeing the world from a different perspective.

[00:04:57] What I realized was the key is that if you strip away the labels and the rhetoric and the noise, we all fundamentally want the same thing. We want safety. We want financial security. We want opportunity. We want to be happy. But the difference is, is the way that we think we should get there. And even still, when I follow somebody's train of thought about how they think that we're going to end up in the same place, sometimes, it's really hard for me to see, I'm not going to lie, because sometimes the road on those maps are extremely windy in somebody else's case. But really, when I really break it down and I say, okay, we have this shared destination, then the argument stops to feel so personal, and then I can just get curious.

Practical Steps to Apply NLP in Disagreements

[00:05:43] So, if this is interesting to you at all, then here's how you can apply NLP's map concept in your own life. And here's how you can use the ideas of maps to approach disagreements in a different way. Because we have to do it differently. If something isn't working, we can't try harder. We have to try different.

[00:06:01] So here's number one. You have to recognize, because that's always the first step, that the map is not the territory. And you need to remember that your map is your perception. It is not the whole truth. And same goes for the other person, which more than likely they haven't listened to this podcast, so they don't have as high of emotional intelligence as you do to recognize this and self awareness, but it's okay.

[00:06:24] Because this simple realization for you will instantly reduce the defensiveness that's there and it will open the door to curiosity. And when we can open the door to curiosity, then everyone can let down their guard and we could have a real actual conversation. And number two. You can ask them about their map, and this will take 'em off guard.

[00:06:45] Especially if you're talking to people where you have the same argument over and over and over again. So you have those people that you're like, we're not gonna talk politics. And then you're going out and you're having some drinks, and then you're talking politics, right? So this is a beautiful way to actually really get to deeper questions, to understand them, to be more curious about where they're coming from.

[00:07:06] So when you have a disagreement. You can pause and you can say, Hey, how do you see this situation? Like, really, from what view do you see the situation? When did you start seeing it this way? Because I've known people who've completely gone a 180 from what they used to believe. And, you know, after 20 years of knowing them.

[00:07:24] And this is a wonderful question to ask. Like, how did you shift from this perspective to this one over a five year period? Another question you can ask is what experience led you to feel this way, right? So if they're like, what are you talking about? What situation? I don't know.

[00:07:40] I've been trying to figure out the best way that I can have a PDF attached to each episode that has these actionable items that you can download and use throughout your week. Because I know so often it's hard for you to listen and then take notes, especially if you're in the car or folding laundry or doing your thing, going for a walk.

[00:08:02] What I've decided is go ahead and get on my email list because each week, along with the summary of what's happening in the podcast, I'll have a PDF that you can download for that episode in the email. So that's going to be the easiest way for you to receive any of the actionable items that I present during the episode, because again, if we don't take small actions and we just consume the information, we're going to be exactly where we are right now, a year from now.

[00:08:31] So please take me up on this offer and join my email list. There is a link in the show notes. 

[00:08:39] So let's use the example of homelessness.

[00:08:41] Maybe you can ask, like, hey, what experiences led you to feel like, homeless people should have a place to stay, or that people who are without homes and are sleeping on the street should be criminalized. Asking these questions can open up conversation, and isn't that what we're really wanting? I mean, other than being right.

[00:09:02] So these questions are not about agreeing, okay? So you need to remember that. It's not about getting to this general consensus or shaking hands at the end of it. It's not about conceding either. It's about understanding each other. Then what you can do when you're having more of this conversation, then you can see if there's any overlap.

[00:09:22] You can see like what's the deeper thing that both of us want? What's the deeper level here? And when you can focus on the shared destination rather than the differences, Then the argument shifts from a battle to an actual conversation. And again, it's all about coming back to the conversation and you can refrain from conflict.

[00:09:41] So instead of thinking, how can I win this? You can ask yourself, what can I learn from their map? What can I learn about them and their history, about their family's history from their map? This reframing transforms disagreements into opportunities for growth. And that's what we're here for. Personal growth.

[00:10:00] We're all here to grow and to expand and to learn more about ourselves and the world so we can have this magnificent verbal effect on the rest of humanity. And then what can happen, which is really cool, is that your own map can expand on its own. So each time you explore somebody else's perspective, you can expand your own understanding of the world, which changes your map, which is so cool.

[00:10:27] Because 99 percent of things in life are not rigid, they're not static, they aren't fixed, which means that you can be flexible too, that you can be empathetic and resilient in the face of conflict when you use all of these tools that you're learning today. And you can expand your own map. 

Example: Money and Relationships

[00:10:48] Okay, so let's do another example.

[00:10:50] So, let's say that you are arguing with your partner about money. That's one of the top reasons that couples argue. So let's use that. You want to save, and the other person wants to actually invest in experiences. So you feel like, you create security by saving, and the other person feels like it's more important to invest in experiences in life because, you know, you only live once.

[00:11:14] So, this is an argument that you probably have every month or at least once a quarter, so I would love for you to just try this out for size. You need to make sure that you understand what your story is about money, why you have this certain defensiveness about it, and why you believe that saving is security.

[00:11:35] And this part of it is really important because your past experiences are going to tell you a lot about why saving is a security for you. Why it's a deep belief. Why it's the truth for you. And then you're gonna want to explore their map. Why do they value experiences so much? What about their past experiences make investing or making spending money on trips so important?

[00:11:59] And then you want to look for the overlap. Is it about security and fulfillment? And if that's the case, then how can you achieve both? So maybe it's saving some and spending some, but if you don't know what your maps are, then you're constantly going to collide. Those territories are constantly going to be fighting with one another.

[00:12:17] Now I get it. A lot of partners don't want to open up and have conversations like this. And so, if you can start having this conversation about like, Hey, you know what? This is kind of an interesting idea that based on your life experiences, your internal map of the world is completely different than my internal map of the world.

[00:12:38] So we probably want the same thing when it comes to money, but we're coming from it from a different place. So maybe we can have a conversation about what our past experiences are with money to see if we can come to some sort of understanding, right? Because it's not about one person being right, because there are going to be differences, but this does allow room for some sort of collaboration or mutual understanding.

[00:13:02] So here's the beauty in the habit of letting go that I learned that made me a happier person is that I recognize that I would rather be happy than right. It truly freed me. And what it also did is it transformed my map. It allowed me to create this whole new country on it. It reformed my map. And it allowed me to say that it's okay for me not to know the answers.

[00:13:28] And it's okay for me to disagree with people. And even if I disagree with them, it doesn't mean that I have to love them any less and most of the time, I don't have these in depth conversations with people unless they're really, really close to me and mean a lot to me or they're kind of like middle people, right?

[00:13:45] So you're just really just curious about them, but there's no real skit in the game. I like to ask people those questions as well. But for the most part, I don't know what your map looks like. But just knowing that yours is different than mine, I can say, you know, we can have a discussion about this, but I don't need to be right.

[00:14:02] I don't need to argue with this person about it. They're going to believe what they're going believe. And that's cool with me. I can choose to be their friend, right? Because everything's a choice. I can choose to be in a relationship with them, or I can choose to be okay with them having a different perspective than I do.

Conclusion and Weekly Challenge

[00:14:18] So as you go along with this week, if you would like to accept the challenge for you to notice your map, your internal map, and how it differs from the people around you. And when you're tempted to argue, or when you're frustrated by somebody else's perspective, just pause and ask yourself, what does their map look like?

[00:14:36] What can I learn from it, and is being right more important than being happy? And when you approach disagreements with curiosity instead of conflict, you'll find that your relationships and your inner peace improves dramatically. So thanks for tuning in to The Habit Within. If you loved this episode, share it with somebody who could use a little less conflict and more understanding in their life.

[00:14:58] And until next time, take a breath, explore the map, and choose happiness.